Do you have a child who is a worrier? Do they appear anxious? Anxiety is something so many parents are dealing with these days. It can feel like there’s nothing we can do to help, but the good news is, there are ways to support your child through it. For kids, anxiety can feel really overwhelming and scary. And as parents, it’s tough to watch them go through it without knowing exactly how to help. While you can’t make their anxiety disappear entirely, you can help lessen it and give them tools to cope.
How you can help your child manage anxiety
Anxiety is pretty familiar territory in our family. Two of my daughters struggle with it, though each in their own way. I’m not a psychologist, but I’ve spent years researching anxiety and learning what works. There’s no magic fix, but in this post, I’m sharing five practical ways to help your child manage their anxiety. But first, let’s talk about what anxiety really is…
What is Anxiety?
Anxiety presents in many forms. It can be mild, severe or debilitating and can range from clinginess in little ones to panic attacks in teens. It is also important to distinguish between an anxiety disorder (a clinical, diagnosed condition) and anxious habits, which start early and develop over time.
About 1 in 10 children suffer from anxiety. It’s normal for children to feel worried or anxious from time to time, but for some children, anxiety affects their behavior and thoughts, interfering with their school, home and social life. This is when you may need to seek professional help.
Recognising symptoms of Anxiety
Frequent Worry or Fear: Children may express constant concerns about everyday situations, from schoolwork to social interactions. These worries often stem from ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts), where they immediately assume the worst outcome in various situations.
Irritability or Restlessness: They might become easily frustrated, irritable, or unable to sit still, often due to negative thoughts they can’t seem to shake off.
Sleep Problems: Difficulty falling asleep, frequent nightmares, or waking up during the night are common signs of anxiety. ANTs can contribute by making it hard for children to settle their minds before bed.
Physical Complaints: Stomachaches, headaches, or other unexplained aches are often linked to anxiety, especially when a child is overwhelmed by their automatic negative thoughts.
Avoidance of Certain Situations: Children may avoid school, social events, or other activities that trigger their anxiety, often because their ANTs make these situations seem unbearable or frightening.
Anxiety Types and Triggers
There are some commonly diagnosed anxiety disorders such as social phobia, Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). These require professional help and seeking help early is key.
My own girls’ experiences of anxiety include social anxiety, performance anxiety, separation anxiety, and nighttime anxiety. They have difficulty coping with change, and anxiety is heightened when life is uncertain, unsettled or too “busy”. Or when there is a global pandemic!
5 ways you can help your daughter manage her anxiety
1. Name it
Anxiety is not something to be ashamed of and so we openly use the term ‘anxiety’ to explain and normalize it. I have learnt that however irrational a child’s fears may seem to us, they are completely rational to them.
Research has found that when you name the feeling and offer what’s needed (assurance, warmth, security) the need behind the feeling will ease.
Talk to her about what anxiety is and reassure her that anxiety is normal, and everyone experiences it at some time. Sometimes it happens for no reason at all. It happens to lots of adults and lots of kids.
Explain the Fight or flight response to them in simple language. Karen Sigmund does a great job of this and explains the role of the Amygdala, which is the size of an almond. Her book, “Hey Warrior” explains anxiety in a way that everyone can understand the physiology behind why your brain does what it does.
2. Adopt a gentle tone
Early on in my daughter’s life, I realized that she was extremely sensitive to tone. If she feels intimated, scared or like she has done something wrong, she becomes flooded with emotion. In the early days, I too would get flooded with emotion and my frustrations showed. This doesn’t mean I can’t be firm, but I have learnt that a gentle tone often works as a circuit breaker to emotional overload. The more patience and love I demonstrate, the less likely the anxiety will take hold.
3. Offer Reassurance
Anxious children often attach themselves to worries like Velcro. When a child is in the grip of anxiety, they need us to validate them, without trying to change them. Reassure them without reinforcing their anxiety. Show empathy and encouragement. Don’t tell them they’re overreacting. And remember, emotions are contagious, so is calm. They will match your intensity and tone so keep it calm.
What your child needs most from you is reassurance. There is no “quick fix” for anxiety. The best thing you can do is offer them acceptance and never make them feel “flawed” or a burden to you. Use supportive language like: “I am here for you”, “It’s OK you feel this way” and “I will sit here with you for as long as it takes you to feel better.”
4. Acknowledge Fears
When my daughter was around six, she became increasingly anxious around bedtime. She told me that bears were visiting her during the night. They would sit on her bed and stare at her. Instead of saying, “But bears aren’t real”, I suggested that perhaps the bears were simply curious, and not there to harm her. But still, she didn’t want them there. So I drew a map of our house and posted it on her bedroom door. On the map, I drew arrows to direct the bears to my bedroom so that they could come to me instead. She loved the map, and it helped her feel more secure. This works for very young children, but the same approach can be applied to older kids. The key is not to dismiss their worries.
There are many situations in which my daughter feels nervous. She tends to perceive danger and threat, even when there isn’t any. Recently, during a storm, she was worried that the roof would fall in. I acknowledged her concerns and then explained that it’s true that the roof could fall in, but it was incredibly unlikely. We discussed the likelihood of it happening so it was slim that it wasn’t a helpful worry. I have also shared with her a very powerful statistic that offers reassurance:
85 percent of what we worry about never happens.
5. Affirmations & Positive Reframing
An abundance of scientific research has demonstrated the profound effects of mindfulness and reframing techniques. Positive affirmations are an effective way to manage anxiety and build a growth mindset. Your words, and the words they say to themselves, can have a big impact. Anxious kids need to feel safe, loved, secure and reassured. Our Little-Pick-Me-Up cards are an easy and effective way to strengthen your connection, start conversations and help your daughter build confidence and self-belief.
Some anxiety, worry and fear are normal in childhood. But if you’re concerned that your child’s anxiety is interfering with daily life, talk with your GP. Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety but to help your child manage it so they can deal with life’s challenges from childhood to adolescence and well into adulthood.
Do you have a child who experiences anxiety? What techniques you have tried?
Further Reading: I spoke with two parenting experts for an article on helping kids with anxiety. You can read it here.
Pick-Me-Up Cards: If you are interested in purchasing or learning more about the power of these little Pick-Me-Up cards, you can visit my website and/or send me DM on instagram. I would also like to extend a 30% discount code. Simply use CODE30.
So good to read this practical and helpful post about anxiety. When I was parenting we wouldn’t have even named it! Now it’s ok to acknowledge anxiety and what is may look and feel like and we can help by talk and action…and care. Great post M!